2022: Condoms Unwrapped
Updated: Feb 1
TW: colourful language, sexual anecdotes, may cause cringing.
Well, I've arrived fashionably late to the New Year reflections but did you expect anything less? 2022 was a lot of things for me; it was a year of growth, confidence, hard work, tears, sex, giggles, symptoms and spasms - but before any of that it was the year I begun this incredible journey of sexploration with you all in making my private life public.
As you all know by now, I am sickeningly sentimental, but since the New Years Eve curse struck again this year, ensuring that all possible party plans fell through, I thought I'd bring the party in this blog post. So, grab yourself a bevvy and take a drink for every-time I embarrassed myself this year. Get ready from some secret content I didn't share at the time! Let's get on to our first category...
Best Opening Line on a Dating App
There have been some great contenders for this category (as well as way more disgusting unsolicited-s, unfortunately not a surprise. F.Y.I. I've not been fucking around this year. 2022's vibe was reporting to the police and then reporting the police for the way they handled it!). My favourite lines have been sweet and complimentary, I love a bit of cheesey flattery. But the top spot has to go to Jeremy from Lancaster who opened with this:
"I'm going to a Game of Thrones themed wedding tomorrow afternoon and my girlfriend dumped me so I need someone that will fit into the Daenerys Targaryen outfit. What size are u and can u drive?"
Cast your mind back to the venerable vegan I dated twice before he pied me. Well, before we had even met I sent him an awkward series of messages meant for my friend. Me and Holly were face-timing and having a proper chinwag. She asks me who my weird crush is and I tell her Niles Crane from Frasier (Google him). She doesn't know who that is so I send a series of pics of him to her Whatsapp. Then I tell her I'll call her back because I need a shit. So, I get a reply to the Niles Crane pics saying: "????". Assuming she's forgotten I say; "My crush. You're the only one I'd share him with! Call me back after my poo."
Anyway, you can see where this is going... I look at the top of the screen and realise I'm talking to Victor. Fucking mortified.
This is an easy one. The guy I couldn't be attracted to because he looked too much like my friend (remember him?). Well, what I didn't tell you at the time is that he nearly burnt down my house. I was telling him over a pint of Guinness how I need to get a chimney sweep before I can use my fire. He leads me to believe that I don't need to splash out for that and that he can do it for me. (Yes, I am an actual idiot). Next thing I know he's on the roof with a broom handle wacking crap down my fire place and I'm thinking... yeah, yeah this looks legit (Like I said...idiot). Next thing he's lighting half damp planks of wood and smoking up the whole place and I'm putting out a fire with water from the flower vase in a cloud of black whilst my dog hides in the bushes of my garden with a look that makes me feel like I peed on his shoes. Yeah, turns out chimney fires are a real thing and its a bloody good job I aborted Dickhead Van Dyke's DIY disaster because your insurance really doesn't cover letting randos from dating apps burn down your house.
Best One Hit Wonder
Talking of wild experiences with randos from Bumble, one of my best dates this year was with a guy I never saw again. Though I generally speaking like to keep things slower paced and sensible in the dating sphere right now, I wouldn't be Emi if I didn't still have a few wild stories and spontaneous dates. Back in summer I had a great Saturday night in with a guy I matched with that day. Long story short I tattooed a heart on his ankle. Then we had sex, two bottles of wine, and never saw each-other again. We send each-other messages every now again and he's still happy with the tattoo - but don't drink before you ink, guys. Do as I say, not as a I do...
This award goes to Nomad Sam and his big black van. We met for a date and it lasted for four days!!! He's the only person I've ever met whose libido kept up with mine. It was a glorious carnal carnival of camping, shagging, drinking rum and shagging some more - but in the end the nomad left south for pastures new. (It was for the best really, the only thing we really had in common was the sex).
I was in bed with somebody and things were getting a bit PG16, he asks if I have a condom and I reach for the top drawer of my nightstand. I feel around without looking and grab one to hand him. It was just an empty wrapper... apparently a bit of a mood killer...
Ok, so those of you using this as a drinking game are definitely pissed by now. I'll leave you with this one, and I'll see you back here next week.
The 2022 Shag of the Year!!
Proving that nice guys really do win sometimes, this award goes to an underdog (or underdawg). Not to the biggest dick or the smoothest banter, not to the sexiest smolder or the flashiest date - this goes to the happy little shag on the Welsh coast this summer. Maybe it wasn't just the sex... maybe it represents for me my first brave steps of independence as I traveled for the first time alone with my disability. Maybe it was also because I was so happy and relaxed, having spent the week with my dear, dear friend swimming in the sea. Maybe it was the magic of summer or maybe it was just because I found somebody I fancied who fancied me and we created a safe space to play together, just for the night.