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  • Writer's pictureEmily Ainscough

I Don't Want to See your Willy

Updated: Feb 1, 2023

TW: This post is about unsolicited dick pics.

This post is a friendly reminder that it is not okay to send explicit pictures to people without their consent. It doesn't matter if they're your friend, a stranger, a spouse, a significant other, or an incredibly talented and beautiful disability blogger from the North ;), sending explicit photos is a sexual act, and sending them without consent is an act of sexual violence. It don't matter if the willy is brilly, ya can't just share it willy-nilly!

And just so you know... I always report it, sometimes even to the police.

Now playing on that theme, sometimes it isn't quite so clear cut. What about sexting on a dating app? Part of the dating game is being flirty, and part of the way some people flirt is to make cheeky jokes or drop little innuendos... So, when is it okay to send a sexual message and when is it not?

Here's my take:

The goal is, we don't want anybody to feel uncomfortable or unsafe. So, on a dating app (or any platform) we shouldn't open with it. When you haven't established a conversational relationship with somebody, you don't know what kind of messages they are comfortable with or what triggers might be damaging for them.

When flirting, be slow and steady. The best way to solve the problem of sexual texts is to ask the other person/people straight up what kind of content they are open to and what they are not; but if you're scared of making the chat a little too clinical, then err on the side of caution and make slow and steady adjustments that respond to the cues and responses of the other person. If social cues and adjustments don't come naturally to you, then you really just have to ask them straight up (which is the better thing to do anyway).

Talk about the sex, don't let the sex do the talking. It doesn't really make sense not to mention sex if you're looking for a sexual connection, but the way in which you communicate what you're looking for is imperative. Talking about the sex is using neutral language not intended to arouse or provoke. i.e. "I'm looking for a non-monogomous, aromantic sexual partner. What are you looking for?" or "I'm looking for a long term relationship, since sex is really important to me, I like to establish that connection early on." or "Is it okay if I flirt with you a little, what are your boundaries?". Whereas letting the sex do the talking is using inflammatory language that is sexual in itself. These kind of statements often start with things like "I want to..." or "If I was with you right now I would..." and they also often use swear words or evocative adjectives. These messages can be really fun, but only when you know the recipient's boundaries.

This conversation is totally not over. I'd love to hear your thoughts and I'm so open to new perspectives. In the last few years online dating has become so much more popular, and aromantic sex (and sex in general) is more accessible, less taboo and as a result we have to learn the best ways to navigate (and enjoy) that. This blogger predicts that in the next few years we will keep learning as a people how to have these conversations and what boundaries mean in language across different platforms to different audiences. For that reason thinking about these topics has never been more important!

Today, I hope you skip out into the world with a wide smile and love in your heart. As you do, just try and be a little extra conscious of what you are saying and to whom. We are all different, so we all need to be kind too.

Oh, and keep your willies out of my fucking inbox. Thank you. xox

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