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  • Writer's pictureEmily Ainscough

I've Got it All to Cum

Updated: Jan 26

TW: Light reference to FND symptoms and a little too much sentimentality.

You join me this week in beautiful Edinburgh, surrounded by loving friends whom I once thought I couldn't get to know any more than I did, and now I do. There's no limit on how well you can get to know someone, it's not like one day you put the last piece of the puzzle in and you know them completely. Some times I can read my best friend's face like a book, I even think some of her memories are my own I've heard them so many times, but then she grows, and I get to learn her all over again. People will always surprise you, people will always grow.

This city is bursting with memories I've had with these people, and memories I'm yet to live through. Down each street it's not just the ghosts of us from years ago giggling on the pavements, they're also kept company by the ghosts of us yet to come. Sometimes I glide my hand along a handrail and notice that it just slips right into place. I think that's what 'déjà vu' really is . . . the realization that you were always meant to be exactly where you are right now. Little Emi in her 17 year old skinny jeans looking round the University with a face like a slapped arse because she couldn't picture herself here had no idea how happy this place would one day make her. If she had lifted her chin up to some of those old buildings, she would have seen me at nineteen lighting sparklers with her friends at their apartments, or she might even have caught a glimpse of yesterday-me having a seizure with Dolly Parton in the background, learning to talk and walk again with the pals she doesn't have to feel embarrassed about spasm-ing in front of, smiling with joy against bedeviling symptoms because these people make me believe that I can handle it. (And they're right!)

Like this city, my love life also promises many adventures still to come. I've been rejected again this week by another man that was clearly not right for me, but who I wanted anyway. Rejection is starting to feel less crap and more lucky, because I'm really understanding now more than ever that each rejection redirects me towards the ghost of me having her first kiss with the love of her life. I've stopped telling myself he doesn't fancy me because my fingers bend back and my mouth drools sometimes, and started accepting that he doesn't fancy me because he isn't right for me.

I have a frankly disturbing number of dates to look forward to when I get back home, and though I'm trying to act cool, on the inside I'm still giddy as a schoolgirl. I was planning on summarizing each bloke for you so you'd know who I was talking about if one of them started to go well. But, in typical Emi fashion, I've let my heart get swept away with imaginings of one of them in particular. It's not strictly a date, or at least, I don't know yet whether or not it is. I matched with an old class-mate (let's call him Martin), and I don't know yet if he just swiped right because he saw someone he recognized, or if he would actually be interested in getting to know me in that way. I think I'll know more when I see him.

I didn't even see that it was him at first, I just swiped right for a sweet smiling outdoorsy-type that has been blessed with the ability to stay up right on a surf board! (Like honestly, how are people doing that!?) When I worked out who he is we just had the cutest conversations and little catch ups. He's like the male version of me . . . but better! I'm going to butcher a joke from Simon Amstel here and say that I hope he's looking for the female version of him . . . but worse! *

*obviously I don't actually believe that anybody is better than anyone else, I know in my heart that I am just as cool and wonderful, but it made me giggle.

I am a bit nervous about meeting up with him which is relatively unusual for me. He said in one of his first messages that he was really excited that we matched because he thought I was 'so flipping rock and roll' back in school, which (although such a sweet compliment), has made me reflect a little about how much I've changed. I was pretty rock and roll back in school, and though it seems like I'm too young to be looking back with a wistful eye on those devil-may-care days, I have changed an awful lot. When I suddenly became disabled at twenty I had to start seriously taking care of myself and making sensible decisions. Yeah, I can still down a bottle of Sambuca like a Capri-Sun and tattoo myself with the contents of my sewing basket, but I'm also planning my meals to get the right nutrients, checking in with people, carrying around a spare pair of knickers in case I piss myself and doing my physio whilst I listen to old clips of 'Would I Lie to You' on YouTube. Don't get me wrong, I am so proud of the person I am today . . . I'm just a little worried that other people won't see what I see in me.

Anyway, it's time to cool my jets and stop daydreaming about Martin and what he may or may not think or feel. Whatever happens will be an adventure that I cannot wait to live through, and the truth is that there is nothing more rock and roll than making healthy and safe decisions for yourself. I hope you all have fun this week waving to the yous of the past and the future, and I hope they remind you to look after yourself for them.

This post is a shout-out to my fabulous Scottish friends who have kept me safe and happy and had me pissing myself with laughter for a change! And to my future summer flings, one night stands and true loves... hang tight, I'm on my way towards you every day, we have it all to come. (and cum). Ba-doom-chhh!

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