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  • Writer's pictureEmily Ainscough

Livin' Libido Loca!

TW: this post is pretty sex-centric!

(I am so pleased with the title of this post. I'll wait for my applause now.)

So I'm not an agony aunt, but this week a good friend of mine was updating me on some concerns she was having in her relationship. She recently reconnected with a guy she has always had a crush on (I'm talking doodling Mrs (X) in love hearts in her diary level crushing) and they decided to try for real this time. Since then everything has been perfect for her. They're both smitten, and tell each other so all the time. He's tidy, considerate, understanding and all the other wonderfully healthy things she hadn't experienced before. So naturally when she called me in a bit of a tizzy this week about their first real problem, I was heartbroken for her.

The long and the short of it is that she isn't getting enough sex.

Now, at this point I'm going to stop talking about my friend because I'm not sure she'd appreciate the unsolicited analysis of her sex life out here on the internet. But luckily I can take over now because in almost every relationship I've been in I have suffered from this same problem. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, my libido really is loca.

Now, in an ideal world the people with whom we are in relationships would have emulating libidos, would touch us when we want to be touched and stay clear when we're feeling icky, but the big man upstairs likes to make things a little more complicated. (I'm talking about God, by the way, I live in a bungalow... nobody is upstairs). Every body is different and every relationship is different; and from relationship to relationship the picture of sexual satisfaction will be disparate. Some relationships are a-sexual, and for those people being sexually satisfied might mean not engaging in any sexual intimacy at all, or engaging in little. Some people in some relationships will not feel sexually satisfied with just one person, and they might engage in open or polyamorous relationships. Some relationships might be sexual and a-romantic; some relationships might involve sex once a week or three times a day, and some relationships might only include one kind of sex, like oral, anal or non-contact.

What I'm trying to say is that your sex life is not just how many times you engage in penetrative sex. Your sex life can be anything from naughty texts and cheeky words whispered through ears, to private masturbation, thoughts never spoken and sexual intercourse. It's important when you enter a sexual relationship with another person/people that you work out together what being satisfied sexually means. Some people want a partner to express that 'I want to rip your clothes off' energy, and other people can find that objectifying and upsetting. But when you're in a monogamous relationship with someone whose libido is different to yours there is so much that you can do to stay satisfied.

Remember that your sex life is also yours, and doesn't automatically become subsumed by the relationship when you enter it. You are still on a private journey with your sexuality, you can still masturbate and work out what you like and how your body ticks. Maybe there are things you are comfortable doing with yourself that you do not want to share with a partner, that's okay. It's also okay if you don't want to have sexual experiences without your partner. Perhaps you could masturbate with them next to you, they could even get involved in a non-physically-rousing way such as eye contact, dirty talk or whatever they are comfortable with. Maybe they don't want to have sex every night but they'd quite like to send a cheeky message or be intimate in a different way. In my past relationships lying in bed next to a smiling man who stroked my hair while I touched myself was pretty common place, and that's just one example.

I'm not sure I've expressed myself perfectly, but I hope if nothing else I can reassure some people or some couples. You're not a pervert if you want more sex and you're not a prude if you don't. It's all about working out how strong you want the pigment of sex to be in your painting. With my FND I'm on some medication that lowers libido... and it's a bloody good job! If this is what my libido is like on the meds, my appetite would be insatiable without it! Everybody has a sex life, even if you've never had 'sex' and never want to! I urge you all to work towards a healthier and happier one, whether you embark on that journey alone or with trustworthy companions you meet along the way. If nothing else, it's a really fun journey to be on.

Sending sexy vibes and aubergine emojis... until next time.

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