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  • Writer's pictureEmily Ainscough

Sex Rated!

DW: graphic, colourful, functionally-disabledly-descriptive and faaabulous!

Hello my lovely little sex-positive pumpkin pickers... long time no speak! Well, Autumn is here, we're all a bit queer, and spooky season is the sexiest season of all (this is your official invitation to get your freak on). I hope you're all getting ladders in the knees of your fish-nets and browsing BDSM toys on your lunch breaks. Obviously you don't have to get x-rated to enjoy the season (I mean, who doesn't love fingerless gloves and rust coloured leaves?) buuuut, if you do feel like getting a little more naughty than nice in preparation for that Christmas lead up (because with the price of heating these days, let's face it, coal would be a blessing) I suggest you watch a cheeky little episode of British telly featuring none other than yours truly. Sex Rated, Channel 4, Episode 4. Rawwwwwr!

So, when I went up to Glasgow to film this episode last November, I genuinely learned so much about myself and it catalysed realisations after the fact, too. I planned on waiting until it aired, and then coming on here to dissect the tea, comment and add context and generally just walk you through some of the connections I couldn't make at the time. For example, it didn't strike me on the day but watching it back... holy shit... how didn't I realise the correlation between my selfishness and the onset of my symptoms! The guy I'd been with before my disability said I was very generous and giving, and the guys afterwards gave very different feedback. It's clear as day to me now that having such reduced mobility and energy levels caused me to be more passive and selfish in the bedroom because I literally did not have that energy to expend! ... it's no bloody surprise!. I also realised a lot about the role that sexual violence and my experiences as a woman in a misogynist society have shaped the way I think about sex, causing that hurt little girl in me to be incredibly reluctant to give myself to a member of the sex that historically has only taken. Now I know that that has been going on inside me (sorry, I couldn't resist) I will be able to reassure that girl that the men I am choosing to have sex with are not the men who have hurt me and other women. I can remind her that I love and respect them and that they love and respect me. (I'm not just talking about Love with a capital 'L', the don't-say-it-before-three-months-and-don't-blurt-it-out-mid-orgasm kind of love, I'm talking about that platonic, human love that we share for the people we trust with our bodies consensually).

Anyway, my point was that I don't need to talk about the specifics today. I don't need to tell you all exactly what I've learnt because the biggest thing I've learnt is this: The very process of talking about it, sharing, putting the ego aside, being silly with it, really listening to people and reflecting on it, is revolutionary for your personal sex life, and for our society's perspective of sex in general. You probably don't need to know that I'll give more frequent blow jobs now or that I'll have sex less often if it means being able to reciprocate in a way that is more mutually gratifying, but what you might need to know, is that if you can swallow your pride as well as you swallow that cum (for those that enjoy that...), look your partner and other adults you respect in the eye and talk about that sweaty naked stuff you spend so much of your life thinking about, you are opening the door to so much growth. You don't need to go on national television and say ya like anal, okay, I get that's probably a bit far for most people, but you might need to sit yourself down and ask yourself what issues are presenting themselves in your sex life. It's not just about having better orgasms (but you will have them), it's about being kinder with yourself and with your sexual partners, understanding our bodies and our minds, and fighting for a conversation that promotes equality whose results stretch from ending violence against women, to the consent-needs off disabled and neurodivergent people, to queer rights and social justice to name just a few.

I'm sorry if I sound preachy... I guess I am preaching a little bit... but when the solution is as simple as sharing your mind with somebody you're already sharing your body with, it's hard not to want to shout that from the rooftops. Just ask each other how you feel, and ask yourself, too. And for God's sake, if someone has the courage to say to you "that's not the clitoris" or "what you're doing to my cock right now does nothing for me" don't take it personally. All they're trying to do is get closer to you.

Finally I just wanted to say a huge thank you to Rylan, Ruby, all the fantastic people at Mighty Productions, and my past sexual partners who agreed to cum along with me on this journey. You're bravery and sense of humour were fucking fantastic, and I wish you many happy years of fantastic fucking.

Over and out, sex bombs, I'll speak to you soon. xox

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