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  • Writer's pictureEmily Ainscough

Signing Off

Updated: Nov 2

CW: sexual content, colourful language

My wonderful friends, I'm afraid the time has come for me to say goodbye to this fabulous chapter of my life. I'm sure you all noticed that my once regular and ardent tales of dating faux-pas, neurological nuances and sexual misadventures have these days become rather sporadic and a little lacklustre. I'm sorry about that. This wonderful voyage through the heart, brain and reproductive system deserved a spectacular, deliberate send off... instead I've kept it going for just a little longer than my heart was in it for, and as tends to happen in these situations the once proud erection of my fervour has gone a little flaccid and now wishes to pull its boxers back on and awkwardly back out of the room. In a way it's quite apt, this blog has never been about polish and flawlessness; and the real message of this little corner of the internet I've hung a tie on the door of is that life, love, sex and disability are imperfectly perfect, and so I'm proud to sign off with the grubby, graceless, half-arsed denouement of somebody who has said all they wanted to say.

Of course, there's the most important thing still yet unspoken. Thank you. Thank you so much. Writing this blog has taught me so much about myself, not just my disability or my sex life, but who I am, my values, what matters to me. I have learnt to be courageous in facing head on the parts of myself I most wanted to hide. I have learnt to lay my ego aside to make way for growth and understanding. Above all else, I have fallen in love with who I am and not just who I want to be. Every single one of you who has giggled along with me as we navigated this messy discussion have been instrumental in my personal growth... and each one of you who reached out privately to comment or question have actively been part of the changing of my life, building my confidence, getting me to where I need to be. And I'm here now.

Here exactly where I always wanted to be. Here is a sex-positive, confident woman who understands her boundaries, needs and consent-access requirements. Here is not being afraid to have difficult conversations. Here is being willing to learn. I'm not saying I'm suddenly the master of my own sexual psychology, or that I've reached some kind of omnipotent self-love nirvana... (this journey will climb, fall and meander through the rest of my life) but this is the fork at which I leave you. Thank you for bolstering me through those terrifying first steps, but now I've got my backpack of new skills fastened tightly around my hips and I think (actually, I know) that I can take it from here. I am so proud of how far I have come, and whether your own progresses have been public or private during these last two years, celebrated or unacknowledged, I am so proud of you, too.

I'm going to leave up this blog for myself to revisit whenever I fancy it... and if you fancy it, please do the same! Maybe catch up on some of those posts you missed the first time round... but this, sex bombs, is the last I'll say. Get talking and get listening. Get talking and get listening in your friendship groups and in your families, in your intimate relationships and with your children. A lack of kind, accessible and inclusive sex education puts all of us at risk. Without the information, nobody is safe in their own bodies, and that is a human rights and public health disaster. You might blush and stutter a little and find yourselves avoiding eye contact (that's absolutely fine), but it's better than not being safe and having shit sex for the rest of your life. It really is. Well here we go, I have loved you, now I will leave you. Godspeed you brilliant people, stay safe out there.

Em x

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