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  • Writer's pictureEmily Ainscough

The Age of Freedom

So, at the end of last week's post, I said I would tell you more about Nomad Sam and his big black van (I'm really pleased with that), but, as it happens, we haven't really spoken since, so I'm going to put that story on pause. But don't worry, I still have enough tea to spill without him this week, and I'm actually even more excited to talk to you about the strictly casual and impossibly erotic new relationship that's been keeping me up all night. Enter Nijaz.

So, I've never been the kind of person to 'keep things casual'. Maybe if it was Paris in the 40s I could fancy myself a bit of a Marcelle if a sexy philosophy teacher would knock on my door at night for hours of passionate sex; but not in 2022, where 'friends with benefits' have a quick shag with some True Crime documentary on in the background while they think about somebody else. I mean, I've had one night stands, I've loved one night stands, they're more like short lived romances, giggly and fun, wild and intimate, maybe so beautiful because of their transience. But, other than that, I always go into everything hoping to fall in love.

And then, a few weeks ago, I matched with Nijaz on tinder. The best way I can describe him, is if somebody designed a man specifically to be attractive to me. His eyes, his body, his smile, everything. Perfect. We start talking and it feels so comfortable, every cue I drop he picks up on, I never feel confused about what he is saying, it's exactly what I would say. A lot of our messages are just 'me too' or 'same'. It's like we speak our own language that nobody else does. He isn't looking for anything serious, and for some reason, that feels good. Because even though it's casual, it feels intimate, safe and sexy. It feels like human beings connecting physically, emotionally, even spiritually, and that's what I always figured would be missing outside of a relationship...but honestly, it's often missing inside of relationships too. Maybe it's less about the parameters of the situation-ship, and more about who you are trusting with your body and with yourself, and how completely you both agree to let go and share something together.

We hadn't actually found a time to meet, stuff came up for me, then for him, then for me again but all the while we were really enjoying sending sexy messages back and forth. Then, out of nowhere, I go to message him on tinder, and his profile is gone. Now, because I knew it was casual, because he was honest, that was okay. He didn't owe me anything, we could have shared something beautiful (and really hot) together, but it wasn't the end of the world. We didn't talk for like a week, and then, like a sexy little blessing... he found me. I got a facebook message request from him, he deleted the app but missed our chemistry so much he had to find me, he 'needed' me - Now that is hot. (I think I might have found the Mathieu to my Marcelle!)

But, now I have the worries creeping back in. We are going to see each other as soon as he's back from Turkey. And having sex in person, means when I have a seizure in the middle of that phenomenal intimacy we've been imagining for so long, he'll see it. It means I'll notice, if a neck spasm starts to turn him off, because his eyes will change. And it means, there's no hiding the bits of me that I am trying so hard to love, but deep down I'm terrified are unloveable. I guess we'll see, I'm putting my money where my mouth is. If I tell myself I'm still sexy during seizures, maybe I should stop assuming that I'm the only one who can think that I am.

Fingers crossed Nijaz finds me sexy for me, and if he doesn't, on to the next my friends. Because I am fun, funky and fuckable, just the way I am.

Tune in next week to hear about my catch-up with my ex, and help me prepare for my first meeting with Nijaz (or as I am already calling him in my head, Mr-lover-lover) hahaha!

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