The Perfect Handjob?
Updated: Sep 7
CW*: detailed sexual description, reference to SA in paragraph 1. Oh, and clowns?
I have decided to swap TW for CW for reasons associated with inclusivity and ableism.
The regular readers amongst you know by now that my biggest problems in the bedroom are that I have a tendency to be a bit lazy and a bit selfish. After many years of knowing this about myself and deciding to do nothing about it (due to...you guessed it... laziness and selfishness) I'm finally reminding myself that sexploration and learning are integral and exciting parts of the sexual experience. Yep, I might be showing up a bit late to the class but I've got my cucumber under arm and my emotional maturity in heart and I'm ready to learn. Now, a few of you might be surprised that I'm ready to talk all things sticky and sultry again after what happened to me this summer, but there's no instruction manual on how somebody is supposed to heal from sexual assault. The way each of us move forward is deeply personal. It is effected by our personalities, our experiences, our psychology, resources, feelings, world views and so many other variables. Even though it can sometimes feel like it, there is no 'right' way to be a victim, there's just the right way for you. And for me... I don't see what happened this summer as even being in the same category as sex! I can talk about hand jobs and willies and fannies because sex with yourself or with other people is an act of trust, respect, pleasure, playfulness and connection, and though r*** involves the same cast of private parts, r*** isn't an act of any of those things, it's an act of violence and nothing else.
So, on to handjobs. I've settled on improving my handjob technique because it's the most beginner-friendly weapon in my arsenal for giving pleasure to person-with-penis that doesn't involve putting said penis in gob (we all know how I feel about oral... read here). Now, it's worth baring in mind that I do not have a penis and I don't really feel like being around penises right now, so I can neither attest to first hand knowledge that these techniques work nor the second hand testimony of a lucky handjob recipient. All techniques have been read or heard from people who know more than me and since they were practiced on a cucumber, I am proud to say that no willies were harmed during the making of this post. On the flip side of that, practical experience is king and if you have the enthusiastically consenting means to, I would suggest getting to know these techniques in the real world. Every penis is different, and sexual learning can be even more fun as a shared activity.
Cracking the Egg: You know that thing we did as kids were we got someone to close their eyes and we'd make it feel like we were cracking an egg over their head with our hands... well this is the same thing, but on the other head some people have ;). Create a claw shape with your fingertips together and facing down, and lower it over the tip gently. Slowly spread your fingers as you move it down over the head and further down the shaft if they would like.
The Clown's Hankie: Using both hands, gently move them up over the shaft one after another, so that as one hand reaches the head the other hand is already starting at the base of the shaft. I've so named it because this seemingly perpetual sensation is kind of like pulling hankies from a clown's sleeve.
The Elevator Shaft: This is the easiest technique to do well and to a steady rhythm (aside from your classic four-finger stroke). To do it, make a 'W' shape with your hands, so your thumbs are pointed together, and wrap your fingers around the shaft. You want to place this so your pointed thumbs will be coming up towards the frenulum for maximum pleasure, then you just slide them gently with plenty of lube like an elevator shaft.
The Bottle Opener: Even on a cucumber I can't master this one... it requires co-ordination and rhythm but apparently it's worth the challenge. With your non-dom hand perform a classic stroke up and down the shaft, and with your dom hand gently twist your fingers over the head as though you are opening a bottle top. You want to perform the twist in synchronisation with what your non-dom hand is doing... but for me it's a bit like patting my head and rubbing my tummy. Mad respect to those who master this.
Make it Up Together: Explore with your partner what feels good, remembering to always ask before changing positions, intensities and directions. A fun take on this is to play 'hot or cold' with this where the person-with-penis makes moaning noises the hotter it gets and goes quiet as it feels less good.
Aside from these specific techniques, here are some general rules of thumb for your penis-playtime.
Use Lube: Friction can be painful, and lube was invented for a reason. Some people finding using spit or mixing it up with a bit of oral is sexier, so that's an option for people who don't have banana based trauma.
Watch your Partner/Partners Masturbate: Your partner/partners have likely been doing this to themselves for a lot longer than you have. Grab a notebook and watch the masters at work. Just because somebody else with a penis liked it when you did 'x', 'y', and 'z' it doesn't mean all people with penises will. Watching them masturbate (with their consent, of course) ensures that you aren't just whipping out your go-to moves but are tailoring the experience for the wonderful human in front of you (they deserve it!)
Set the Mood: Setting the mood starts with having a conversation about whether or not this is something you'd like to do right now, setting boundaries, asking questions, and general chit-chatting. After that you get to build the kind of environment you want to do it in! Get creative! You could light candles, dress up, build a pillow fort, play some music, run a bath...it's up to you!
Perineum Power: Well, the perineum is a powerful hot-spot, so gently push up into it like a button during handjobs for intense pleasure.
Rhythm, Rhythm, Rhythm: Stick to a rhythm that works for you both, changing it up too much can delay orgasm (which can be good or bad depending on your goal! ... and remember, not all sex involves orgasms! They're an optional cherry on the top of a full bodied cake)
Give the Balls some Lovin': Like the g-spot, sometimes the testicles also get a little neglected by people who feel nervous. Talk to each other, if you're intimate enough to be in the situation, you're definitely intimate enough to talk about it.
Lose the Ego: The key to getting better at things and working towards more pleasure in sex is feedback and honest communication, so try not to take it personally when your partner/partners tell you what doesn't feel good and what isn't working. In the same breath, when you're the one saying what you don't like and isn't working, be kind and mindful of your partner/partners' feelings.
I hope you've enjoyed my cheeky little masterclass (or novice-class); I hope you continue to enjoy it for years to cum. But remember, before you can play with your body and somebody else's, you need to make a play-pen. Any physical or non-physical sex requires enthusiastic consent that is constantly reaffirmed. It doesn't matter if you've been with the penis-person for 70 years or you just met them tonight, sex needs communication, respect, patience and consent before during and after all activity. Otherwise, it's not sex at all, it's violence.
See you on the flip-flop, sex-bombs. ;) I love you all. xox
