Well, it's slowly dawning on me that I'm not going to fall in love this Christmas. The radius on my dating apps has basically completely dried up and I haven't had sex in months. Is it possible that I've actually shagged, got drunk and embarrassed myself in front of all the eligible bachelors of the North West? Surely not...
I did have a date planned with this guy, Connor... I was playing it cool for ages (yeah, I know right... who even am I anymore!?) choosing to get work done or chill with my dog over going for a pint with a hotty... but then I eventually agreed to meet him and he caught the bloody flu! I mean really!? The cheek of it!! But I'm not particularly gutted, I think the reason I found playing it cool so easy is because I'm not actually feeling that pull to him, or anybody. Love just doesn't really feel like something I'm missing right now. I'm quite busy trying to keep my head above water at university with a debilitating long term health condition and looking after myself and my pup. I think the reason I keep swiping is because my libido is craving a bit of that 'other human contact', not because I genuinely have space right now to fall in love.
I do genuinely believe that being single doesn't mean your sex life has to suffer. If sexual satisfaction and physical intimacy is an important part of your personal life balance, your mental health, your wellbeing and your mood, then you should make sure you're getting those carnal nutrients! (In other words, having sex with consenting adults at a frequency that matches your libido does not make you a Ho Ho Ho!) Well, sex is a huge part of my personal balance (as you all already know) but I'm going through a bit of a rut right now... disillusioned with the bountiful buffet of bumble bachelors and somewhat unsatisfied by just having sex with myself.
Sex with yourself is a wonderful journey of self actualization, education, playfulness and affirmation... but sometimes ya just want a willy! (Or whatever type of genitalia your appetite craves). Sometimes there is just nothing in your arsenal to replace the tingly electricity of skin on skin and gaze on gaze, bodies dancing, consuming each-other, sending real shivers down all the secret passages of the nervous system...heartbeats, sweat, whispers in ears! .... yeah, like I said... it's been a while.
Sure, I'd still love to fall in love. I'm still a massive romantic with a soft squishy heart. But right now the romantic in me has been somewhat overshadowed by my insatiable lust. Right now, all I really want for Christmas is a phenomenal shag. (And to be honest, at this point I'd settle for a mediocre one). Yes, I'm hoping to wake up on Christmas day to find an emotionally mature mustachioed lumberjack wrapped in tinsel looking provocative underneath the tree...or perhaps a notification from the dating apps that a new plethora of potentials have moved in to my local area.
I think it's pretty clear that this week's post was written by my libido. If I push her away from the keyboard now and speak as myself I want to say that like all seasons, this rut is a phase that will, in time, pass; and in the meantime I should celebrate my abstinence, enjoy myself and work on all the other shades of life. Deep down, I still know that I want the next person I sleep with to be someone I truly care for... I just hope I can keep libido-Emi in check until then.
I want to give a shout out to all the other sex starved soldiers on the front line tonight. Onwards we march! Are you with me!? Oh, and if anyone needs me... I'll be hanging out under the mistletoe! If you think I'm doing Dry January after this you are sorely mistaken.